Peace on Earth and Goodwill Toward Family

The holidays are a time to be together: Here’s how to ensure family harmony

For many, the holidays are the only time of year when the entire family gets together. From January to October, family dynamics may be easily avoided, but November and December usher in the season of togetherness as well as expectation. Studies show that roughly half of all Americans have increased stress during the Thanksgiving to New Year’s timeframe as they anticipate the minefield of family interactions around planning, travel, food, and gift-giving, combined with conflicts over the most common topics of politics, religion, and money.  

“The strains of family dynamics can be exacerbated by wealth,” notes Whittier Trust Senior Vice President and Client Advisor Brian G. Bissell. “Shared family assets, vacation homes, gift expectations, sibling rivalry, and family business affairs all add complexity and can lead to lingering issues. Addressing these issues and working toward family harmony throughout the year is imperative if the goal is to have a drama-free holiday gathering.”

Bissell recommends a few top tips for holiday family harmony: 

• Try to have regular family communication throughout the year, especially if you have shared assets or an operating family business. Allow the holidays to be a time where you just enjoy each other’s company rather than talk business. Create opportunities for all family members to express their opinions, concerns, and aggravations separate from holiday gatherings.
• Respect each individual’s personal version of success and happiness. Everyone is on their own life path and will achieve different levels of financial success. The banker may obtain a higher salary than the artist, though the artist may live a more creative life. Envy and rivalries can only be resolved if both parties put in the work. Parents can help by making sure everyone’s accomplishments are celebrated. Being fair in the amount of praise given can be just as important as fairness in the distribution of financial gifts.
• If alcohol is prevalent at your family gatherings, it’s extra important to set boundaries. Stress that family Thanksgiving, Christmas, and other celebrations are a time to enjoy each other, not a time for weighty topics. And prepare for intervention if necessary. Plan ahead for what you might need to say or do to defuse a conversation that is headed to the abyss. 
• Model good behavior. Even in the trickiest family interactions, you should maintain your own high standards. Practice compassion, open-mindedness, understanding, and active listening.   

One of the advantages of family wealth is the opportunity for outside assistance in managing family dynamics. If financial issues are regularly fueling the discontent, families should consider hiring an experienced third-party wealth manager who specializes in working through family dynamics to help keep the peace and build trust with all stakeholders. 

“By engaging the services of wealth management offices that prioritize objectivity and open communication, families can navigate the complexities of wealth and financial matters, ensuring that the holiday season is truly a time to be together in harmony,” Bissell says. Through his work at Whittier Trust, he has seen firsthand the value of three key steps families can take:  

1. Form a family office to include a non-family wealth management team of advisors. These independent, impartial advisors can manage family estate planning and wealth transfer and deliver sensitive family communications. An advisor also serves as a mediator or unbiased perspective to help resolve conflicts among family members and foster long-term family unity. 
2. Build a strong foundation of family identity and shared values. Work together to articulate shared goals, philanthropic objectives, and a family mission statement. An advisor can help you establish guidelines for communication, compassion, and conflict resolution.
3. Design a family governance plan that ensures everyone understands how decisions are made about family financial, legal, and personal matters. The structure of the plan might include agreed-upon principles, conditions, and methods of communication. The family office team of advisors will guide you in creating, implementing, and monitoring the plan.

“Family Thanksgiving and the holidays in general are an opportunity to express your thanks for all that family means to you and strengthen family bonds,” Bissell says. “Families are the most enduring relationships of your life, and it’s worth the investment of time and energy to create family harmony.” After all, what better holiday gift could you ask for?